Brotherhood of Evil (Alleged) Steroid Users
Written by Big Poppa TC, Thursday May 14 2009
Earlier this week, I wrote a column (find it in my archive!) matching the SF Giants with their X-Men equivalents. It is only fair that I identify the X-Men’s enemies in the baseball universe, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, aka alleged steroid users. They of course are led by the (allegedly) nefarious leader of the hated LA Dodgers, Joe Torre (previously of the equally and more nationally hated Yankees), who has coached more alleged steroid and HGH users than any other manager thus far.
Magneto -> Joe Torre
Magneto leads the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, a group of powerful mutants who seek to dominate the world by any means necessary. Magneto is known for his extremist and illegal tactics, as well as his mastery of electromagnetic fields. His command over the electromagnetic spectrum gives him influence over nearly everything in every environment.
Joe Torre leads (or has led) the Brotherhood of Alleged Steroid Users, a group of powerful players who seek to dominate the world by any means necessary. Torre is known for his lineup and look-the-other-way tactics, as well as his mastery over the media. His command over the press gives him influence over nearly everything in every environment.
Blob -> Jason Giambi
The Blob is a huge mutant whose main power is that he cannot be moved if he does not want to be moved. This is in large part (pun inteneded) due to his extreme density and general invulnerability. He is not a bad guy relative to many other Brotherhood members, he just wants others to take him seriously.
Jason Giambi is a former superstar whose main power is that he cannot be moved if he does not want to be moved as is evidenced by his baserunning and his fielding (and his hitting is so bad he could play for the A’s… Wait he’s on the A’s?? They re-signed him?? On purpose?? Is this a joke?? Wait lemme check… they got Nomar too?? 2003 All-Star Team?? Back to the column.). This is in large part due to his bone density decreasing and other post-steroid effects. He is not a bad guy relative to many other alleged drug users, he just wants others to take him more less seriously.
Toad -> Andy Petite
Toad is a petite mutant without a great power, with increased agility and a super frog-style tongue. Because of his shortcomings he is underrated, but he used his intelligence and cunning to become Magneto’s right hand mutant. Toad is hard to trust though, as he is willing to sacrifice his friends to aid his ascent.
Andy Petite is a tall pitcher without great power, but with good control and a super slider. Despite his shortcomings he is overrated, as he used his intelligence and command to become a dominant pitcher in Joe Torre’s staff. Petite is hard to trust though, as he was willing to sacrifice his friend Roger Clemens to slow his descent (Ok so this whole Toad = Andy Petite was kind of a stretch, but tossing your buddy under the bus is a very toad-like thing to do, and he looks kinda toad like to me).
Mystique -> Alex Rodriguez
Mystique is a shapeshifter, who has the ability to become anyone at any time. She can be your friend, your lover, and your assassin all at the same time. But because of her abilities, it is extraordinarily difficult to really know who she really is, as there is always a chance she is just pretending to be who you want her to be.
Alex Rodriguez is a shapeshifter, who has the ability to become anyone at any time. He can be your friend, your Derek Jeter wannabe, your post-season failure, your Madonna-lover, your Nomar-glove slapper, your $250 million dollar man, and your gold glove shortstop all at the same time. Because of his insecurities, it is extraordinarily difficult to really know who he really is, as there is always a chance he is just pretending to be who you want him to be.
Pyro -> Gary Sheffield
Pyro can manipulate open flame into fire constructs or fire projectiles. His power is very aggressive used exclusively for extreme situations. He is known to be temperamental and seeks glory and fame.
Gary Sheffield is a great hitter who creates fires wherever he goes (for a great hitter, he’s been on a million teams) and uses his bat to launch projectiles. His power is still very aggressive and is used exclusively in pinch-hit situations. He is known to be temperamental and seeks glory and fame (just got 500 HR’s and is friends with Barry Bonds).
Sabertooth -> Manny Ramirez
Sabretooth is the most dangerous of all of the X-Men’s enemies, a stone-cold killer who could murder a person without batting an eyelash or showing any emotion. He lives without a code, unaffected by the expectations of the world and those around him. He does what he wants when he wants to, without regard for rules, traditions, or respect. He’s just Sabby being Sabby.
Manny Ramirez is the most dangerous of all of the Giants’ enemies, a stone-cold killer who could murder a fastball without batting an eyelash or showing any emotion. He lives without code, unaffected by the expectations of the world and those around him. He does what he wants when he wants to, without regard for rules, traditions, or respect. He’s just Manny being Manny.
Bonus:
Apocalypse: Bud Selig
He’s gained the most from the Steroid Era…He makes and enforces the regulations…He’s an 8,000 year-old Egyptian…
Thus concludes my baseball analysis of the Brotherhood. I’ve attempted to stay current by only using active players, otherwise I’m sure Roger Clemens and perhaps Barry (Barrack?) Bonds would have been matched with mutants. In case you were wondering, I took the Facebook quiz and I’m Gambit. Other things I am according to Facebook: Jedi Master Qui-gon Jinn, Dr. Foreman from House, Dr. Octopus, Puntae (in terms of my Thainess), Batman, and Barney from “How I Met Your Mother.”
Have a syringe-free day!
Mini Rant of the Week – The lesson parents should teach their kids while watching American Idol should not be: “Honey, even though no one else realizes it, I think you’re a great singer (actually you’re not but I’ll blindly encourage you even though you’re wasting your time and generally embarrassing yourself ) and you can be the American Idol, you sing every bit as good as Kelly Clarkson/Jordin Sparks/ Carrie Underwood, and you’re prettier. You absolutely don’t need to work hard or finish school or exercise or use condoms because you’re going to work hard for those six months and you’ll be super rich and famous.” I know the preceding statement seems ridiculous, but if you’ve seen some of the audition episodes, you know I’m more right than I should be.
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3 comments
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I'm certainly not implying anything about steroids in this case, but I think we can also safely say Rich Aurilia is an enemy of the Giants as well. And apparently the Giants think 'walks' are too, although I wish they didn't.
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Both are great articles. Totally enjoyed them! Especially being a Giants fan myself. And about the mini rant... It's sad to see so many kids growing up with the idea that they can do whatever they want. That's only true to a certain extent. Sometimes you just don't have what it takes to be the best. It's a sucky fact of life. There's a fine line between boosting your childs confidence and blatently lying to them.
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ARod = mystique = perfect