Are you smarter than a pro Athlete?

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2010-01-15T10:20:00-05:00

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Yes

120 7019 For millions of people around the world, the most irritating sound known to man is that 7:30AM alarm clock tune that might sing, "Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty"- but for whatever reason, you just hear, "its time for you to get your butt up and start your miserable day sending emails, filling water coolers, meeting for 3 hours in uncomfortable chairs and getting yelled at for missing cover sheets on your TPS reports".   Yet there is a small population who wake up to the same exact alarm clock tune, but instead hear, "Its time for your 12 million dollar a year ass to get up and shoot some hoops, or catch some footballs or hit the batting cage".   Pro athletes were born with a gift, and that gift allows them to play a sport for a career as opposed to sit in an office behind a phone and a backed up computer that moves slower than a backup catcher running the bases, a career that does not force you to work til your 64 years old, and a career that allows you to make more money in a year than anyone could possibly dream of making in a lifetime.  But for years, these athletes continue to take what they have for granted, make outrageous mistakes and flush it all down the toilet in a blink of an eye, or a pull of the trigger, or a shot from a syringe.  It's beyond comprehensible some of the actions pro athletes tend to take, and whats even more absurd is their reaction after its plastered all over ESPN.  I'm going to touch upon a few examples, and you can ask yourself, "Are you smarter than a pro athlete".  The answer 178 times out of 179 is yes, you are more intelligent although that apparently doesn't say much at all.   The most recent genious currently plays for the Washington Wizards.  Professor GIlbert Arenas, who just a few short years ago signed a contract that would pay him a total of $111 million dollars, brought multiple guns into the arena (his workplace) and kept them in his locker ( his office). His excuse for what he needed them for is irrelevant.  To put that into context,  if I walked into my office today with multiple pistols, chances are I would be fired before I could finish my first cup of coffee, the cup of coffee that helps me get through my miserable day emailing and listening to people complain about how their not satisfied with the service we provide them.  Now, Genious Arenas is up for felony charges, and is in jeopardy of his contract becoming void because he violated a morality clause.  Congratualtions Gilbert, your at the top your class.   Lets go back a decade and visit one of my favorite athletes of my generation, rocket scientist Latrell Sprewell.  He wakes up every day, and goes to work AKA a beautiful sports arena in the Bay Area where he gets to play basketball for a living, not to mention make millions of dollars doing so.  During practice one day, his coach PJ Carlesimo (his boss) has gotten under Latrell's skin a bit, and told him his passes were not crisp enough.  Normal average person response/reaction to criticism: work on passing, ignore the tediousness of the coach's criticism and try and make him happy while possibly improving your game in the process.  Latrell Sprewell's response/reaction: use your Andre the Giant sized hands and grab coach and choke him.  Shockingly, Spree was suspended a full year from basketball (his job).  Again, in real people terms-  If i choked out my boss after he told me the coffee I made for him needed more sugar, I'd be searching Craig's list by now for an unpaid internship, anywhere.    Sidenote: My favorite athlete comment of all time comes from Spree after the Timberwolves decided not to offer the 30 something year old a larger contract- "9 million dollars a year? Cmon man I got a family to feed".  Can't make this stuff up.   How bout Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson throwing haymakers and uppercuts to fans in the crowd... mid game! How bout hitting 73 home-runs after never hitting more than 50, transforming your body from Chris Rock's figure to The Rock's figure, and all of this in the middle of an era where hundreds of players have been caught using steroids.... while sticking to the claim that you did not know what you were taking.  And no, i'm not talking about Brady Anderson.  Are you smarter than Barry Bonds? Most likely.    How about that guy Tiger Woods.  How is it possible he didn't think he would get caught sleeping around with all these classy ladies?  The guy can't even take a dump without having to fend off cameras.  Guess you have to give the guy some credit, he got away with it for this long... but still, did he think he could go the rest of his life without at least one story of his wild sex life leaking out? At least he didnt sexually harrass anyone.  [I think the smartest athlete of this era is Kobe Bryant- he sexually harrassed a girl and paid her off to shut her mouth- Brilliant!]   Doctor Woods clearly had a plan, and his plan was to wing it, just like he does when he has to hit a ball out from under 8 trees.  Except on the course, Tiger can use his 7 iron.  In the real world, he needs his brain...too bad- So in conclusion, yes, you are probably smarter than Tiger Woods.   One of my favorites is Nobel Prize winner Plaxico Burress.  Gotta feel bad for Plax, right? Poor guy shoots himself and ends up in jail for 2 years.  Maybe next time he should register that gun (or obviously lock it up, OR not wear sweatpants to a club, OR wear tighter pants if your going to carry around a weapon OR not bring it to the club at all, OR..any more suggestions for this witty fellow?) before he puts his contract, his life, and everyone else around him in danger of being shot in the leg, or chest for that matter.  Ohh and I completely forgot about that warm ,gentle and caring Michael Vick character.  What a sweetheart this guy is. Hmmm... I make millions and millions of dollars, and I've never won anywhere! I'm already getting away with legal robbery!  All I have to do to make a living is take a hike (not literally, although thats what the Atlanta Falcons, the NFL and the law made him do) and run with the stupid football and I get paid serious cash, not to mention being the only quarterback in any Madden game that allows you to dominate without throwing the ball.  But as Mike Vick I get bored of all that... hey here's an idea- lets kill dogs and make a UFC league for them so I can get paid a few extra hundred thousand.  I can just see Mike Vick at a dog fighting press conference- "hey guys I don't do this for the money, I do it for the love of the game".  Brilliant!  After about 2 years in a luxurious federal prison resort, Vick is back in the NFL.  If I killed animals for money, and asked for my job back after my prison sentence, chances are the boss would say the position was filled. Permanantly. By a slightly feminine vegetarian named Norman who has a lovely wife named Rose, and 2 kids named Margaret and Harold.   We can talk about the intelligence of some of these athletes all day, from OJ to Iron Mike- guys who think their James Bond and live by the "The world is not enough" motto or the notion that they are untouchable.  It's as if God gave everyone a strength and a weakness.  The strength  being born so athletically talented that you only have to work (I use that term loosley)  for 20 years while having the ability to make more paper than 99% of the world. And the weakness of making you the dumbest, least sensible one in the room- unless that room is a lockeroom.   Bottom line... chances are you ARE smarter than a pro athlete and for all you toddlers out there, that goes for you too. Stay in school. 76.97.188.228